Tag: taurus

the signs as john mulaney quotes

cyanicas:

aries: hi, I’m very gay, and I’d like a few dollars

taurus: I don’t look older, I just look worse. honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like “hey! look at that man!” I think they’re just like “woah, that tall child looks terrible! get some rest, tall child! you can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”

gemini: I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud. it probably will happen again

cancer: I have had a very long day. I am very small… and I have no money… so you can imagine the kind of stress I am under

leo: some babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all

virgo: when I was a little boy, I was more like a 67-year-old gay man that’s kind of over it sexually

libra: everyone get out of my way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds

scorpio: I’ll keep my emotions right here, and then one day, I’ll die

sagittarius: sometimes, he will watch a movie on TV, even though he already owns that movie on DVD. pointing this out to him confuses and upsets him

capricorn: cars were pulling up and looking over to see who just did that piece of shit move, expecting to see a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie. instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man, trying his best

aquarius: I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating saltines for like, 28 years, and then I walked right out here

pisces: in terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroine

the signs as lines from john mulaney’s kid gorgeous

paradeofconfusion:

Aries: “I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.”

Taurus: “College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000.”

Gemini: “I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s No Good, How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re In Dallas On Wednesday? Okay. Well, Then Let’s Just Not See Each Other For 8 Months And It Doesn’t Matter At All.’”

Cancer: “I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff.”

Leo: “You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.”

Virgo: “I don’t know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room.”

Libra: “In high school, people were like, “What are your top 3 colleges?” I was like, top 3 colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

Scorpio: “Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.”

Sagittarius: “Like years later, I’d be going down on some rocking twink in college and I’d be like, ‘Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?’”

Capricorn: “I don’t care for these new Nazis, and you can quote me on that.”

Aquarius: “I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t.”

Pisces: “My dad once grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up during church and said ‘God can’t hear you.’”